Dear Ezra, We Both Turn 1 Tomorrow.

My dearest Ezra,

You turn one tomorrow.

screen-shot-2016-12-06-at-7-55-34-pmLast year, I spent the hours leading up to your birth anxious to finally see your beautiful face and more scared than I ever had been at the thought of becoming a mother. You took your own time coming to meet me and finally greeted me with wide eyes and a smirk at 1:09 am, an expression that has rarely left your face since. I have been spoiled by your easy going nature, which has soothed many of my mistakes and feelings of inadequacy. After years of dreaming and longing and over 40 hours of labor, you exceeded all of my hopes.

In that first moment I saw you, my fears vanished. 

Screen Shot 2016-12-06 at 7.58.28 PM.pngSince then, I have had 365 days filled with giggles and snuggles, tears and sniffles, rocking and crawling, and loads of ‘talking.’ We have had trying days that felt like they would never end. We have had days where I’m sad when it’s time to put you to bed. We survived the nights I was delirious from waking every hour or two. We celebrated the first time you rolled over, the first time you clapped, and the first time you said mom. Looking back, how could I ever think anything but the good far outweighed the bad? It has been hard, yes. But it has been so much more joyful.

I turn one tomorrow too. 

img_2152Last year, I became a mother. Mother’s Day might be celebrated in May, but January 22 is and will always be my Mother’s Day. Motherhood has stretched me and changed me and I simply cannot be who I was before. I have been faced with the ugly sides of myself. I’m not very flexible. I get frustrated. Sometimes I shut myself away from the world. But I have been reminded of the strengths that make me a good mother and I have begun to embrace those tighter each day.

Above all, in my weaknesses and in my strengths, I love you fiercely. 

They tell me the days are long, but the years are so short. Tomorrow, we will have one year down already, but I don’t want to stop time or even slow it down. I am anxious to see what you’ll do next. I want to celebrate your triumphs and comfort you in defeat. I want to know the man that you become and take pride in helping you become him. We have memories to make, adventures to take, and places to explore. Let’s make them, take them, and go. This year has been a great start.

So happy first birthday tomorrow, my son. And happy first mother’s day to me.


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